Where is my faith?

I don’t know how else to title this.  It all comes down to that.  The cacophany of things in my head wouldn’t be getting me down if I had faith and hope.  Sometimes I do!  And then sometimes I really really don’t.  I try to shrug off a string of recent crises/annoyances:  pain, hopelessness about never NOT having pain, fatigue, fatness (making up words again here), losing soon the best amazing Christian surgeon boss I’ve ever had (and fear of who will be replacing him) and trying to comfort 30 surgery residents that it’s all gonna be ok without him when I know it’s going to be very different and hard without him, and certainly not least – my sister’s impending miscarriage.  That just breaks my heart.  They were so happy about it – we all were thrilled.  But the levels are dropping and they don’t see what they should on the ultrasound.  I would give a non-essential internal organ (I think I only have 1 left, though – spleen?) for her not to go through this.  I did for seven years.  I know I’m projecting my history into her situation in my head and she doesn’t need that, but inside I think I’m grieving as much and she is.  That’s not right, I’m sure, but all the same, there it is. (I love commas, sorry) Guess I never properly dealt with those feelings either!  I just kept powering through it, cycle after cycle and IVF, frozen embryos, 6 trips to Chicago for an experimental off-label treatment, etc until angrily, stubbornly but undeniably blessedly, I became pregnant with my first miracle child and the second didn’t require too much trouble.  But what a journey that was that ended with  Faith restored and healed with a peace that surpasses all understanding.   She was with me for some of it.  She’s healthy and doesn’t have my physical issues so she should be ok and it will happen in God’s timing, not ours.  She’s at peace with this.

So I think the subtext of this post could be “I’m a Feelings Dodger”.  You can push them down but they will come up eventually.  Why do I only realize mine after I eat several pieces of cake???