Good advice from my sister

Our mother is in the hospital with an infection and I’m worrying about EVERYTHING!  Anyway, sis and I were texting (she’s out of town at a conference) and I said I was in ‘high level worry mode lately and was in an extremely bad physical state’ and was trying to calm down.  I had a rough weekend physically and spent most of the time in the recliner.

So she speaks (texts) the words of the wise ancient, certainly more than her 41 years..she has matured through the over 8 yr process of Recovery and she amazes me every day.  So she said:  ‘Worry and stress makes your pain worse.  Give her to God cuz He already has her.’  Huh.  I don’t know how she does that.  She just speaks the truth, just like that.  Even when you don’t want to hear it.  When my mind is going a million miles an hour and just in circles, getting no where, worrying about infection and fever of unknown origin, white cell counts and chemo, bone marrow testing, ugh sepsis, I know too much working in the medical field, wedding in a MONTH!  My sister is getting married in a month.  Mom has to get better and make it to the wedding.  It’s a small wedding, but family is flying in, including mom.  I will channel my sister’s calm vibe and pray to put it all in God’s hands.  Worrying does no good except makes me feel worse.  She’s so right.  I used to be the one who was always right.  I held everyone together.  I’m so proud of my sister and how far she’s come to be who she is now.  And she’s so right.

Where is my faith?

I don’t know how else to title this.  It all comes down to that.  The cacophany of things in my head wouldn’t be getting me down if I had faith and hope.  Sometimes I do!  And then sometimes I really really don’t.  I try to shrug off a string of recent crises/annoyances:  pain, hopelessness about never NOT having pain, fatigue, fatness (making up words again here), losing soon the best amazing Christian surgeon boss I’ve ever had (and fear of who will be replacing him) and trying to comfort 30 surgery residents that it’s all gonna be ok without him when I know it’s going to be very different and hard without him, and certainly not least – my sister’s impending miscarriage.  That just breaks my heart.  They were so happy about it – we all were thrilled.  But the levels are dropping and they don’t see what they should on the ultrasound.  I would give a non-essential internal organ (I think I only have 1 left, though – spleen?) for her not to go through this.  I did for seven years.  I know I’m projecting my history into her situation in my head and she doesn’t need that, but inside I think I’m grieving as much and she is.  That’s not right, I’m sure, but all the same, there it is. (I love commas, sorry) Guess I never properly dealt with those feelings either!  I just kept powering through it, cycle after cycle and IVF, frozen embryos, 6 trips to Chicago for an experimental off-label treatment, etc until angrily, stubbornly but undeniably blessedly, I became pregnant with my first miracle child and the second didn’t require too much trouble.  But what a journey that was that ended with  Faith restored and healed with a peace that surpasses all understanding.   She was with me for some of it.  She’s healthy and doesn’t have my physical issues so she should be ok and it will happen in God’s timing, not ours.  She’s at peace with this.

So I think the subtext of this post could be “I’m a Feelings Dodger”.  You can push them down but they will come up eventually.  Why do I only realize mine after I eat several pieces of cake???

To be every petal of who we are…

I’ve got to share one of my favorite bloggers, Corey in Provence.  I’m quoting her in my title.  To be every petal of who we are.  I could ponder on that for a while.  There are so many petals.  Some are browning on the edges, wilting.  Some small tender ones are hidden beneath the others so that no one even knows they are there.  Then the task is to work our way through them, viewing from all angles in order to enjoy its full beauty.

http://willows95988.typepad.com/tongue_cheek/2010/03/truly-madly-deeply.html

I’m Tellin’ Y’all It’s a Sabotage

I don’t know how to insert a song here but just hum some Beastie Boys in your head.

Here’s the question – why would DH make a home made dessert FROM SCRATCH, a whole damn pan of them yesterday?  I curse the Christmas he got that KitchenAid mixer.  Now he thinks himself Invincible Cooking Daddy!  Only one of our kids has a tendency towards the sweet, dark stuff like me, so he can’t say it was purely for the kids.  The other one didn’t even want any (I thank God she won’t have THIS particular issue but I also pray that she will avoid other addictions).  I wish he hadn’t made them.  I wish I hadn’t eaten two last night and I wish I hadn’t brought THREE with my lunch today.  Yeah, I have issues. 

Last night we had relationship issues, too.  Don’t know if any of it is related and my head hurts from trying to think about that.  Anyway, an argument (unrelated to the above issue) was started.  I feel very shut down, closed off from my feelings.  It’s too painful to have them so I float above.  The Ultimatum bounces off, deflected by my wall.  It doesn’t even put a dent in my exterior.  I realize this isn’t right.  It seems like all this is worse since I became ‘aware’ of it.  Am I doing it more or just noticing it more?  When did I turn into a shell of a human being just going through the motions of a life that I so desperately wanted and prayed for so many years ago?  I didn’t feel back then either, though.  Each month I got my period and wasn’t pregnant – I didn’t grieve, I just focused on the next step.  And if we set the dial again on the Way Back Machine….. there is the faint memory of my short, first marriage at 23.  I realized it wasn’t the type of life I wanted or the way I wanted to be treated so I just uh, announced that.  Yes, I did ask him to go to counseling for several months before, but in the end it was pretty surgical for me.  I did later about a month later have an evening grieving session.  I drank wine, lit candles, sat in my apartment in the dark looking at our wedding album while listening to tragic opera.  I cried, I sobbed, I was hysterical for a while and I threw the album across the room.  Huh, I forgot about that until just now.  Interesting.  I’ll have to tell Nice Therapist about that recollection.

Without an appropriate segue, I ask – do antidepressants dull our minds too much?  There have been plenty of times in my life with my history of depression that it needed dulling to save me from the angry sadness in my head.  But are my emotions switched off up there in Control Central as a result of my Prozac?